By Jason, on September 28th, 2011 The Beyond Pickup Meetup is going strong. We’ll have a full house tomorrow night to discuss the finer points of asking for a phone number or a date. All of us have some stories to tell around that.
Thursday, September 29, 2011 7:00 PM Pacific
Beyond Pickup Meetup
Click here to join the Meetup.
Also, I’ve got a free teleseminar coming up too where I go over the basics on how to get better with women. I’ll talk a little of my background and how I used to be anxious and awkward like a lot of guys. And I’ll also show that learning to accept and be yourself is the key. It’s one thing to say “be yourself.” It’s quite another to get it on a mind and body level. Click the link to register…
Thursday, October 6, 2011 7:00 PM Pacific
Free Live Teleseminar
The Thinking Man’s Approach to Attracting Women
How to charm attractive women by developing your natural magnetism
Click here to register!
By Jason, on August 22nd, 2011 What I’m about to explain has been explained in many blogs and books before me. These concepts are not new. Yet it continues to surprise me how this false duality still persists in our culture. So now I’ll be adding my interpretation to the mix.
There are still nice guys walking around out there believing that women are only attracted to bad boys and jerks. And certainly women are often more attracted to bad boys at least in the beginning of the relationship until they get tired of being mistreated. But nice guys don’t seem to attract and keep women very well at all. And they’re angry because they don’t know why.
When a man sets his boundaries and maintains them regardless of the woman he’s interested in, he will demonstrate more confidence and therefore be more attractive. Bad boys maintain these boundaries easily because they don’t care what anyone thinks about them, let alone any woman. It is a sign of strength even though this stereotype is prone to behaving badly and women are often drawn into their dysfunction. But nice guys are terrible at boundaries. They cede them in an effort to win the woman’s approval. They are doormats.
“Nice guys” are not really being nice when they give up what they should be standing up for. They are actually being dishonest with the women they are attracted to. Most nice guys will find that in order to avoid their anxiety of losing the woman they want, they will give up asking for what they really need in the relationship. Instead, they will begin to feel resentment that she can’t fulfill the fantasy that he has created of her. It’s made worse because he has already given too much of himself too soon and she may not have reciprocated completely. This becomes a relationship based on manipulation, not real connection.
This kind of behavior is most obvious in the early stages of courtship and often lands the nice guy in the “friend zone.” If a nice guy cancels his previous plans so he can go on a second or third date with a woman to accomodate her schedule, then he is ceding his boundaries. If he tries to impress her with expensive dates and too many gifts early on, he’s also giving up too much too soon. He may volunteer too much personal information about himself too soon. He craves her approval to reassure him that he’s worthy of her. Ultimately, he’s trying to get something from her instead of treat her as a real person and an equal, which is surprisingly something he has in common with the bad boy.
By showing that the nice guy and bad boy actually try to get what they want by manipulation instead of creating a sincere connection, it becomes clear the “Nice Guy/Bad Boy” duality does not exist. Nice guys and bad boys are both engaged in the ego trip of trying to get what they think they want from women. Nice guys want the approval of the fantasy woman. Bad boys want to use women. Both are afraid of real connection. But there is a third way for men to be.
That third way involves the life-long practice of being vulnerable. When a man unapologetically asks for what he wants from a woman, whether it’s a date, sex, relationship, marriage, or whatever, he’s leaving himself open for rejection. If he’s avoiding or afraid of going after what he wants in life then he’s protecting himself from vulnerability and rejection. If you start to observe the men and women around you, you’ll notice that the ones that are most attractive are the ones that routinely put themselves out there in some way on a consistent basis. They are open to real connection and real rejection. They are actually living their lives instead of living in fear.
Let me know what you think in the comments.
By Jason, on July 24th, 2011 Lennie Ross is a writer in LA who fields questions people have about dating. Here’s one from a guy who’s calling himself shallow.
I have been hanging out with a really great girl who I would like to be just friends with, but its tough since we keep talking. Also talking to my ex who is visually everything I’m looking for. She is funny but really insecure and jealous. She also has nothing going on in her life, no hobbies or anything, so I find that there isn’t a lot to talk about with her. All she really wants to do is shopping, gym. Although she is an amazing cook. The other girl is beautiful, with a ton of energy. She is very dynamic but in my opinion she is too popular. I say popular in a sense that she always has men after her and seems to slightly lead them on. Now I get to the shallow part. I know my ex will always look the way I want her to. The other, although she is fit now I know it wont stay like that very long. It probably shouldn’t matter but to me it does. When it comes down to it I’m actually really thinking about the visual part more than anything and that seems horrible. What are your thoughts on this? I know, I’m being shallow.
Now, Lennie gives this guy some intelligent but terse advice about how men treat women as sex objects by overvaluing their looks and how women overvalue men of high power and financial position as success objects. She warns him that looks fade and “don’t judge lest ye be judged.” Fair enough. But I think there’s much more going on here than just what’s “on the surface.” I mean, he’s basically reduced this agonizing decision to choosing one of two women.
First off, let’s take a look at the values this guy is focusing on:
- Looks – He’s obviously choosing between two women he finds very good looking. So really, that’s not factoring in to his decision.
- Weight – He’s certain one of them will get fat. We don’t know how he can be certain about that, but he is. I don’t fault him for this because there are many women out there that are not interested in overweight men. It’s simply his preference, however crass he is about expressing it. He can’t help what he’s not attracted to. But it would be in his best interest to not gain weight in the future.
- Ability to cook – Really, dude? Anyone can learn to cook, including you!
- Too jealous/too popular – One woman is a jealous ex-girlfriend and the other is a flirt who has guys following her. Looks to me like you’re the one who’s jealous and insecure, dude!
There are three fundamental problems here for this guy:
- He has no clue about what he wants in a woman or a relationship. He doesn’t know what his core values are or which values are important to having a successful relationship.
- And therefore he has no way to know if either or neither of these women are right for him.
- He doesn’t have the confidence and self-esteem to stand for what he really wants.
So in addition to Lennie’s advice, I would tell this guy he has a lot more work to do. Getting back together with your ex because you know her body type is stable but you obviously broke up for valid reasons is crazy. Agonizing over this new girl because of some future weight problem potential and too much attention from other men is also crazy. Simply not dating other women is also crazy! Why only these two to choose from?
The work is about really questioning what you think you want from a woman in a relationship and why. Will being with a really hot woman make you happy? Maybe for a while, but relationships are not about 100% bliss all the time. This is the fantasy many of us carry around. If you can separate out the fantasy from reality, you’ll have an easier time discovering your core values and in turn learn how to choose potential women to date much more effectively. And your core values are the foundation for your self esteem and confidence because if you’re true to them, then you’ll never have to doubt yourself.
Not all that glitters is gold.
By Jason, on July 2nd, 2011 In my previous post, I discussed the notion of giving up the need to “do it right” all the time. Then I came across this post by marketing guru Seth Godin. Seth presented a few examples that really hit home.
She calls a meeting and then another meeting because it’s easier than committing and just saying ‘no’. Or ‘yes.’
When faced with a difficult decision, it’s pretty easy to fall back on the excuse of needing more information or opinions on the subject before feeling comfortable making a choice. At what point do we declare that we simply can’t predict the future results of our decisions? Since predictive information is rarely perfect, all decisions are intuitive, educated guesses to a certain extent. The most successful among us know how to stay on the sharp edge between wasting too much time gathering useless information and knowing enough to take action.
They sell more wine in places where there aren’t so many wines to choose from, because complicated selection processes make it easier to buy nothing.
People really do give up choosing altogether when faced with too many options. If you’re afraid of choosing the wrong wine because the store has an excellent selection, then you don’t get to enjoy any wine at all. It amazes me that the fear of doing it wrong even pervades relatively inconsequential decisions such as grocery store purchases. Sure, if you don’t like your wine choice you might be out a few bucks. The question is how painful is it for you when you don’t like the wine you chose. Will you take that as a poor reflection on your character? I hope not. You can’t really enjoy life without taking some risk, right?
And finally this gem:
Better not to hire a coach or go to a therapist or even pick a doctor, because you might discover that you’ve been doing something wrong.
This fear of being wrong all along is definitely an attack on our pride. Many of us are walking around with the belief that we should always have it together enough to know what we’re doing. If we don’t, people might reject us, right? You and I both know that we’re far from perfect and when we’re stuck and in pain, often the best and fastest way out is to find someone to lead us the way till we get the hang of it. The sooner you can drop your ego out of the equation and start accepting any and all feedback, the quicker you’ll reach success.
But when we finally decide we need outside help, we also fear making the wrong choice when it comes to getting help. Just as there are millions of different wines to choose from, there are millions of experts out there telling you that you need only them. We certainly don’t want to waste time and money, nor do we want to be worse off after working with a particular expert. Sometimes satisfaction guarantees and references aren’t enough to make this fear go away.
So the fear of being wrong really boils down to our fear of being judged either by ourselves or by others. You’re either beating yourself up or you’re afraid other people will do it for you. As I said in my previous post, when do you get to treat yourself like a human being? You can only do that when you accept that life will never get better until you practice being vulnerable as much as possible. In order to do that you have to be willing to interpret failure as feedback instead of taking failure as your ultimate doom.
The value of being vulnerable was something I learned from working with coaches and from the women I’ve been in relationships with. If I hadn’t “done it wrong” in the safe laboratory of the coaching session, I would never have learned how to do it in the real world with real women in order to get the positive results with them that I wanted. This was a valuable intermediate step to dealing with my fears and anxieties around “doing it wrong.” Once you realize you won’t “die” from doing it wrong, it opens up countless possibilities. It’s very empowering. And it’s the true basis for confidence.
Please share your opinions on this topic in the comments section. I’m curious what you think.
By Jason, on June 17th, 2011 I don’t have a long track record of making really glaring, embarrassing mistakes that I simply learn from and move on. Instead, I’ve always beaten myself up quite severely over all mistakes, large and small. I’ve spent most of my life either avoiding healthy risks altogether or simply acting only when I’ve felt the most certain. In other words, I’d been subconsciously trying to do everything right all the time. Not a very pleasant way to live, let me tell you, since mistakes are inevitable.
When you let go of the need to “do it right” all the time, your authentic self starts to emerge. You start to assert yourself, take risks, and feel empowered. And then you start making really excellent mistakes, the kind of mistakes you’ve never made before because you’re doing things you’ve never done before. And the whole thing is really messy. I’ve been doing a much better job of making mistakes lately, but it feels really strange. I almost don’t know what to do about it since now most of the self punishment is gone. It makes me wonder who I really am given I’m new to this level of clumsiness.
I was recently invited to join a meeting with other individuals to possibly collaborate with them on a project. I only knew one of them a little and and I was meeting the others for the first time. The project they were working on involved a special event where people would learn some skills and get to apply them. Feeling unusually confident, I was quite forward and took the lead in the meeting. I definitely asked some pointed questions around how the proceeds would have been divided up amongst the partners. And I also expressed my strong opinions about a number of other topics. I did not hold back on anything. I even planned and offered to host the next meeting which everyone agreed to. And afterward, I thought it went rather well. No one said otherwise at the time.
I found out later that I was never under consideration to be a partner. I was only going to be a content provider. Somehow I’d missed that small detail in a previous conversation. That was embarrassing. Not only did I overestimate my role, but I went in with guns ablazin’. Not graceful, but an honest mistake nonetheless. But I do sense that I may have given the wrong first impression and possibly lost an opportunity because of it. I say that now feeling the old “need to be right” wanting to pay me another visit.
Some would forgive me by saying, “Shoot first, ask questions later.” Others might tell me to slow down and ask more questions first! I say, neither. This awkward space where we make the kinds of mistakes we’ve never made before is where growth and progress happens. I realize that now. So I’m going to continue practicing balancing the risk of being authentic and vulnerable against the rewards it will bring. This is what it truly means to live life. It also means that I finally get to treat myself like a human being.
By Jason, on June 3rd, 2011 In this modern world our brains are bombarded by images of beautiful young women all the time. All of us are aware of what that does to the average woman’s self esteem, but many of us men aren’t aware of the insidious impact those images can have on our male brains. These images drastically influence our ability to connect and have satisfying interactions and relationships with real, flesh-and-blood women. This isn’t just about pornography. It’s simply the effects of repeated overexposure to images of female physical perfection.
We are all victims of the Contrast Effect.
…It is a principle of perception whereby the differences between two things are exaggerated depending on the order in which those things are presented. If you lift a light object and then a heavy object, you will judge the second object heavier than if you had lifted it first or solo.
Psychologists Sara Gutierres, Ph.D., and Douglas Kenrick, Ph.D., both of Arizona State University, demonstrated that the contrast effect operates powerfully in the sphere of person-to-person attraction as well. In a series of studies over the past two decades, they have shown that, more than any of us might suspect, judgments of attractiveness (of ourselves and of others) depend on the situation in which we find ourselves. For example, a woman of average attractiveness seems a lot less attractive than she actually is if a viewer has first seen a highly attractive woman. If a man is talking to a beautiful female at a cocktail party and is then joined by a less attractive one, the second woman will seem relatively unattractive.
The contrast principle also works in reverse. A woman of average attractiveness will seem more attractive than she is if she enters a room of unattractive women. In other words, context counts.
It gets worse. The researchers had male college students rate photos of women (previously rated as average in attractiveness) as potential blind dates but mixed up the timing of their ratings with exposure to images of beautiful women.
…If the men were watching an episode of Charlie’s Angels when shown the photo, the blind date was rated less desirable than she was by males watching a different show. The initial impressions of romantic partners—women who were actually available to them and likely to be interested in them—were so adversely affected that the men didn’t even want to bother.
Think you’re immune if you’re in a committed relationship? Sorry.
The contrast effect doesn’t apply just to strangers men have yet to meet who might be most suitable for them. In studies, Gutierres and Kenrick have found that it also affects men’s feelings about their current partner. Viewing pictures of attractive women weakens their commitment to their mates. Men rate themselves as being less in love with their partner after looking at Playboy centerfolds than they did before seeing the pictures of beautiful women.
Now here’s the money quote:
The contrast effect not only undermines marriages; it then keeps men single—and miserable.
The article does a great job of how this works at the sociological and psychological level and I want you to read the whole thing, but I do have another spin on its conclusions. As a man, if you’re not actively paying attention to the sway these daily images have on you, you may be using the contrast effect as your excuse not to engage with real women and your drug to medicate your loneliness. And that’s why it’s so insidious. The marketers and media producers are already leveraging your biological responses to get you to buy their products. That’s bad enough, but the side effect is that you may not be aware of how that is hurting your chances for satisfaction in your dating life. These images are turning you off from otherwise attractive and desirable women!
The secondary danger is that if you’re unwittingly medicating your loneliness by indulging in looking at many images of beautiful women, you are likely addicted to viewing these images. There is a quick hit from seeing a beautiful woman either in real life or in an image, no doubt. And I’m not even talking about nudity and porn, which can make the addictive patterns much worse! As the article plainly states, modern society outstripped our own evolutionary biology.
Kenrick puts it in evolutionary perspective. Like us, he says, our ancestors were probably designed to make some estimation of the possible pool of alternatives and some estimation of their own worth relative to the possibilities.
The catch is they just didn’t see that many people, and certainly not many beautiful people. They lived in a little village of maybe 30. Even if you counted distant third cousins, our ancestors might have been exposed to a grand total of 500 people in their lifetime. And among those 500, some were old, some were young, but very few were very attractive.
As I continue to coach men through their dating lives, I see the clear and present danger we men face when it comes to our relationship with beauty, sex, and relationships in the abstract. We are bombarded with images of perfection in these areas all the time in advertising, movies, magazines and porn. And we falsely believe that if we are able to capture that perfection for our perceived pleasure, it will bring us permanent happiness. And we pursue physically beautiful women desperately harboring this subconscious belief.
I urge all men to stop and think before reacting to beautiful women. Don’t demonize her because you believe you can’t “get” her. Don’t exalt her because of the way she looks. She is a human being just like you. She can’t make you happy. She might not even be able to bring you pleasure! Only you can do that for yourself. Look at her as someone who has issues, successes and failures just like you. She has a personality and a temperament. She has passions and desires. You’re going to have to make a real connection to find out if she turns you on or not. Anything less and you’re just indulging your fantasy of her without caring at all about her as a person. She won’t like you for that, trust me.
And finally, actively reduce your exposure to images of beauty. This may be radical and difficult to do, but I have tried this myself and I’ve noticed a huge difference in my level of appreciation for the real women in my life and in my environment. You must minimize the Contrast Effect. As a man it is to your benefit to like and be attracted to more of the women around you if you’re interested in dating and finding quality women to be in relationships with. Your pool of opportunity will only increase and your level of frustration decrease.
There are so many women out there that would love to meet you. Make yourself available to them!
If you’re a single/divorced guy in the San Diego area, check out my new Meetup, [Link] Beyond Pickup: Authenticity and Attraction Training for Men. We’ll be exploring these topics much more in depth.
Source: Psychology Today
By Jason, on June 1st, 2011 We have to be careful about defining and stereotyping men and women based on the differences between the male and female brain. There are certainly difference, but we have to be clear about where those differences really are based on current scientific research.
From Top Ten Myths About the Brain from Smithsonian Magazine
Some of the sloppiest, shoddiest, most biased, least reproducible, worst designed and most overinterpreted research in the history of science purports to provide biological explanations for differences between men and women. Eminent neuroscientists once claimed that head size, spinal ganglia or brain stem structures were responsible for women’s inability to think creatively, vote logically or practice medicine. Today the theories are a bit more sophisticated: men supposedly have more specialized brain hemispheres, women more elaborate emotion circuits. Though there are some differences (minor and uncorrelated with any particular ability) between male and female brains, the main problem with looking for correlations with behavior is that sex differences in cognition are massively exaggerated.
Women are thought to outperform men on tests of empathy. They do—unless test subjects are told that men are particularly good at the test, in which case men perform as well as or better than women. The same pattern holds in reverse for tests of spatial reasoning. Whenever stereotypes are brought to mind, even by something as simple as asking test subjects to check a box next to their gender, sex differences are exaggerated. Women college students told that a test is something women usually do poorly on, do poorly. Women college students told that a test is something college students usually do well on, do well. Across countries—and across time—the more prevalent the belief is that men are better than women in math, the greater the difference in girls’ and boys’ math scores. And that’s not because girls in Iceland have more specialized brain hemispheres than do girls in Italy.
Empathy is a critical skill for us men as we learn how to improve our relationships with women. There is no genuine romantic or sexual attraction between men and women without empathy. As the article states, we men are not expected to be empathetic nor appreciated for being empathetic in many areas of our lives. The stereotype is that men are not supposed to feel in order to be strong and masculine. As individual men bring that belief to bear, it cuts off their natural empathy and inhibits their romantic and sexual connections with women. Just as many women give up on math because they simply don’t believe they have the ability to be good at it, many men give up on finding fulfilling relationships with women because of their perceived inability to connect with them. Negative limiting beliefs really do limit our natural human abilities.
Certain sex differences are enormously important to us when we’re looking for a mate, but when it comes to most of what our brains do most of the time—perceive the world, direct attention, learn new skills, encode memories, communicate (no, women don’t speak more than men do), judge other people’s emotions (no, men aren’t inept at this)—men and women have almost entirely overlapping and fully Earth-bound abilities.
I agree that the differences between the male and female brain are most pronounced when it comes to dating, mating, and pair bonding. When we men interact with women without an appreciation for those natural differences, then we fail to make the connections we want. I often catch men subconsciously assuming that women operate and think like men in the dating process. (And women do the reverse to men as well.) You can imagine the frustration that assumption creates.
My job as a coach is to train men to reclaim their natural empathy both for themselves as individuals and for others, specifically the women they’re attracted to. Once we start operating from empathy, we can appreciate each other as individual men and women. That’s where the real connections happen.
If you’re a single/divorced guy in the San Diego area, check out my new Meetup, [Link] Beyond Pickup: Authenticity and Attraction Training for Men. We’ll be exploring these topics much more in depth.
By Jason, on April 14th, 2011 It’s been a long time since we last talked. Much has happened. Everything I’ve been working on has boiled down to one thing: intuition. I’m sure you’ve heard of female intuition, right? As if it’s some unfair advantage women have over men. Well, men have intuition too, but we’re not always trained or encouraged to use it. But without it, we can’t rise to our full potential in our lives and relationships.
Let me explain.
You have already successfully used your intuition at many times in your life. When you’re clear and calm, information comes to you in the form of physical sensations, feelings, emotions, and certainty. You’ve felt to the core when you’ve been right about many uncertain things and enjoyed the resulting success. Stress yourself out in any way, and you’ll close off to all that information as you enter survival mode. And many of us guys rely strongly on logic and reason when we’re stressed because that’s our nature and what has made us successful in other ways in our lives.
The problem is the process of thinking is both slow and isolating. If you’ve felt anxious around an attractive woman, you’ve probably tried to analyze and plan out all the possible things to say to her instead of being in the moment and saying the first thing that comes to mind. Or maybe you’ve struggled with a decision by over-analyzing the perceived values of the possible options. It often pays to go with your gut. Just ask the most successful guys you know how they navigate the tough decisions and often come out on top. And take a look at the great women those guys are with. No coincidence there. The problem for the rest of us is that we can’t always hear what our gut is saying when it’s overwhelmed by negative beliefs, negative emotions, and plain old stress from life.
By Jason, on April 8th, 2011 All of us walk around believing that if we have something or someone in particular, then we’ll be happy. Think about everything that you do in pursuit of happiness. Do you buy new things? Entertain or distract yourself with technology and media? Chase women? Stop for a moment and ponder what your motivations really are. It’s one thing to desire pleasure and satisfaction, but quite another weigh your entire sense of happiness and well-being on something as complex and conditional as waiting in line for a new iPad 2 or getting a date with a beautiful woman.
We live in a society where the marketers attack us all day and every day in the name of finding happiness. “Buy this and you will be happy” is the message. If you’ve never paid attention to this before, start noticing how every advertisement or sales pitch is based on this fantasy. There is no way for you to feel happy permanently. We humans haven’t figured that one out yet, but we don’t stop trying. At the same time, we are governed by our basic drives for sustenance, love, sex, and companionship.
We men in particular would do well to understand our relationships not only with women, but also our relationship with our concept of being in a relationship which includes our relationship with sex itself! It’s one thing to desire sex in a natural, healthy manner. It’s quite another when you’re harboring the unrealistic subconscious belief that “sex will make you happy.” This belief is what converts your natural desires into the desperation that women can smell on you.
Reversing this belief is your only recourse. There are two ways to go about it. The first approach is to deconstruct your expectations around women and sex. If you get everything you think you want you know the pleasure is temporary. At some point you’ll have to deal with the reality of a relationship, whatever form that takes. And if you’re just pursuing casual sex, even that thrill will wear off at some point. As wonderful sex and women are, should they be the end-all-be-all for you in your life?
The second approach is the question the very nature of happiness itself. Do you accept the full range of emotions and consequences of life or do you cling to only those things you believe will make you happy? It’s the clinging that will drive you into anxiety and depression. Better to meet the unpleasantness head on until it passes. And it always passes. And if you’re anything like me, you’ll often forget or disbelieve that it will pass until after it’s passed.
Sometimes I wonder if the human ego is actually evolving in real time or if we’re just doomed to repeat the same human tendencies the ancients already knew how to overcome. Regardless, it still falls on you to seek out the balance for yourself. If you don’t want to reek of desperation anymore and enjoy some good old-fashioned Zen-style detachment from outcome, you have to practice and put in the work.
The final irony in all this mess is that the less desperate and more engaged you are in life, it becomes much more likely you’ll get the things and relationships you want in life. But you already knew that, even if you resist believing it. I still resist it every day.
By Jason, on April 4th, 2011 It surprises me sometimes how shyness, awkwardness, and even creepiness shows up in my interactions with people at various times and in unexpected contexts. Maybe it shouldn’t be surprising since we’re all human beings after all. But this is where my need to be perfect steps in and makes things worse by interfering with my ability to be honest with myself and vulnerable with the people I’m trying to connect with. It’s the core anxiety that I won’t be accepted by other people if I don’t get things perfectly “right” regardless if I even know what “right” is! And I see this all the time with clients I’ve worked with. We’re stuck in the fake world of predictable outcomes based on predetermined behaviors. Look back on your awkward moments and you’ll quickly remember that human interaction is orders of magnitude more complex than lines of computer code. Very little is predictable with relative certainty. And even fewer options are available to you when you’re in the moment and feeling that anxiety.
Now I’ve spent many years of my life working on “overcoming” this basic anxiety that I believe many of us carry around. I’ve spent hours in therapy, coaching and workshops only to find that it never goes away entirely. When you hear about performers who admit their stage fright never really goes away yet they can still perform to their full potential, this is the type of thing I’m referring to. So when I screw up, which has been rather frequently lately since I’m networking more in order to grow my business, I have to practice detachment from outcome. But for me I also have to watch out for trying to be “perfectly” detached from outcome. Meta-perfectionism sucks too.
The reality is confidence is not a constant. It’s dependent on context. You’ll have good days and bad days. And if you’re like me, you’ll wonder why you weren’t confident in one situation that was similar to another one in the past where you were confident. I used to go to business networking events for fun and to meet people. I usually had a pretty good time. But now with the pressure of trying to grow a business, networking for me has become more goal oriented. And that’s where I got tripped up. Just like in the area of dating or growing your social circle, you can’t be attached to outcome because people will smell the desperation off of you and run the other way. So what caught me by surprise was how much desperation I’d been giving off based on how people were negatively reacting to me! I thought I’d “conquered” this anxiety in social circles already, so why was I behaving this way? Simple. I had ignored my beliefs and insecurities about growing a business while assuming networking would be the same as before when it was purely social. I didn’t address my limiting beliefs first before jumping into the pool. I made an assumption!
The bottom line here is that even the most confident, successful people have their off-days and off-moments. The key to their success has to do with their willingness to do things without being concerned with being right all the time. Even they might lose their poise in a meeting or not be prepared for the unexpected. They are the ones who think on their feet and roll with the punches (even the self-inflicted ones). And that’s where I stand today. I’m not very good at rolling with the self-inflicted punches yet, but at least I’m seriously practicing the rolling for the first time in my life. I want to help others learn to roll too.
So to all those people I’ve met recently where I might not have come across as my most confident self, I’ll be seeing you around. I hope when we meet again your next positive impression of me will override the awkward first impression. And I’ll just keep practicing making space for myself to make mistakes.
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The “Nice Guy/Bad Boy” Duality Destroyed
What I’m about to explain has been explained in many blogs and books before me. These concepts are not new. Yet it continues to surprise me how this false duality still persists in our culture. So now I’ll be adding my interpretation to the mix.
There are still nice guys walking around out there believing that women are only attracted to bad boys and jerks. And certainly women are often more attracted to bad boys at least in the beginning of the relationship until they get tired of being mistreated. But nice guys don’t seem to attract and keep women very well at all. And they’re angry because they don’t know why.
When a man sets his boundaries and maintains them regardless of the woman he’s interested in, he will demonstrate more confidence and therefore be more attractive. Bad boys maintain these boundaries easily because they don’t care what anyone thinks about them, let alone any woman. It is a sign of strength even though this stereotype is prone to behaving badly and women are often drawn into their dysfunction. But nice guys are terrible at boundaries. They cede them in an effort to win the woman’s approval. They are doormats.
“Nice guys” are not really being nice when they give up what they should be standing up for. They are actually being dishonest with the women they are attracted to. Most nice guys will find that in order to avoid their anxiety of losing the woman they want, they will give up asking for what they really need in the relationship. Instead, they will begin to feel resentment that she can’t fulfill the fantasy that he has created of her. It’s made worse because he has already given too much of himself too soon and she may not have reciprocated completely. This becomes a relationship based on manipulation, not real connection.
This kind of behavior is most obvious in the early stages of courtship and often lands the nice guy in the “friend zone.” If a nice guy cancels his previous plans so he can go on a second or third date with a woman to accomodate her schedule, then he is ceding his boundaries. If he tries to impress her with expensive dates and too many gifts early on, he’s also giving up too much too soon. He may volunteer too much personal information about himself too soon. He craves her approval to reassure him that he’s worthy of her. Ultimately, he’s trying to get something from her instead of treat her as a real person and an equal, which is surprisingly something he has in common with the bad boy.
By showing that the nice guy and bad boy actually try to get what they want by manipulation instead of creating a sincere connection, it becomes clear the “Nice Guy/Bad Boy” duality does not exist. Nice guys and bad boys are both engaged in the ego trip of trying to get what they think they want from women. Nice guys want the approval of the fantasy woman. Bad boys want to use women. Both are afraid of real connection. But there is a third way for men to be.
That third way involves the life-long practice of being vulnerable. When a man unapologetically asks for what he wants from a woman, whether it’s a date, sex, relationship, marriage, or whatever, he’s leaving himself open for rejection. If he’s avoiding or afraid of going after what he wants in life then he’s protecting himself from vulnerability and rejection. If you start to observe the men and women around you, you’ll notice that the ones that are most attractive are the ones that routinely put themselves out there in some way on a consistent basis. They are open to real connection and real rejection. They are actually living their lives instead of living in fear.
Let me know what you think in the comments.